Sunday, September 30, 2007

How To Escape A Monster

Some time ago, I wrote this blog on my MySpace page, after having watched the movie The Hills Have Eyes. These people did everything wrong. I mean, usually in horror movies they screw stuff up all the time, but this was unbelievable. It inspired me to write this helpful guide, based largely on the circumstances in the movie. I hope, if you're ever in a situation where you must escape from a mutant human monster, that this guide will help you to escape with your life.
1.) Try not to split up. It is much easier for the monsters to pick off individuals than to attack large groups. And please do not wander off unnoticed into the darkness to investigate a noise. This will only lead to your death, and the deaths of those who will then feel compelled to find and rescue you.
2.) When you are running desperately for your getaway car, check the back seat before you get in. Chances are, the monster, or one of the monster's close friends, is lying in wait there to garrotte you, or kill you in another horrible way. Here's another vehicle-related tip: while waiting for the car to turn over (because it never will if you're trying to get away) do yourself a favor and lock the doors. Yes, the monster may break open a window, but they generally have difficulty fitting through the hole, which will give you time to escape or to stick something pointy in its eye.
3.) If you find your pet horribly mutilated by some sort of creature, share this information with your companions. You may think you're being considerate by not upsetting them, but this is need-to-know information.
4.) If you are going to rescue a member of your group from the monsters, it is recommended that you go with more volatile weapons than a baseball bat, especially when you are walking straight into their village.
5.) Do not hesitate. If you come upon a creature eating the dead body of your mother, do not stop to gasp in horror. This will give the monster time to notice your presence and to realize that it would like something fresher to eat. Shoot the monster and grieve later. Likewise, if you are trying to sneak past the monster and catch a glimpse of it, do not stand horror-struck and stare fixedly at the back of its head. Rather, quickly and quietly move past the monster, and panic later.
6.) Do not drop your weapon. If you do, quickly find something that will suffice as a weapon to replace the first one. But do not drop your weapon, and most importantly do not leave your weapon sticking out of the monster's dead body. The monster is not dead, and will pull the weapon out of itself and kill you with it.
7.) Speaking of weapons, if the monster is apparently dead, do not leave its weapon next to its body. It is not dead, and will regain consciousness, pick up its weapon, and bash your head in. Instead, take its weapon, which is probably superior to your own, and use it in addition to yours(which hopefully you have not dropped) for further monster-killing.
8.) Booby-traps are fun, but you shouldn't booby-trap your only source of shelter, food and water to explode.
9.) Lastly, do not relax until you are back in normal civilization. This means a busy police station. This does NOT mean the back of the friendly local sheriff's car. The friendly sheriff either a) is about to eat it, or b) was in on the whole thing from the beginning, and is about to deliver you back into the hands of the monster.
I hope this guide has been informative, and sincerely pray that the information contained therein will help you to avoid death, should you find yourself in a horror movie situation.

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