Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Oh Good...Fresh Juice On OJ

Why, why, why can’t OJ just behave? Why can’t he stop killing people and holding people up so I can get some real, actual news on my television, rather than watch his idiot butt get carted across Las Vegas? Why do I have the horrible feeling the Simpson trial of the nineties is about to begin its encore presentation?
This is what I fear…we’re going to have another televised Simpson trial, because some idiot at one or more of the network stations is going to remember what a good idea that was. And of course, for those of us who are, ahem, unfortunate enough to miss the trial during the day, the evening news will happily play us dramatic snippets of it all night.
We’ve already got one news story that dominates dramatically; the Iraq war. But we never actually find out anything significant about the war. All we know is that three more soldiers died today in an explosion just outside Baghdad. Three more kids, who signed up for college money, dead in the sand.
Okay, so…done with depressing story number one. Depressing story number two…the election. It’ll be uplifting at first, since we’ll be reminded that a certain someone will be leaving a certain white house on Pennsylvania Avenue very soon. However, once the field has been narrowed, and the primaries done (Hilary vs. Giuliani, in case you were wondering), the mudslinging will begin, and soon we will be reminded that not only some, but all politicians are scum, in addition to once again being forced to forget there are any political parties in America other than Democrats and Republicans.
And in the third ring of our circus, the totally fresh, totally live, complete-with-new-charges OJ Simpson Trial! Yes, friends, step up and marvel at the Human Eel, guaranteed to sssslip out of federal prison no matter what the charges, and then write a book about it!
Behind these three rings will be a few very small people, waving placards with things like, “Rape Used As Weapon In Congo,” “Chinese Government Hacks Pentagon,” “Slavery In Mauritania,” “Coral Reefs Bleached By Global Warming,”…ya know, that sort of thing. But you won’t be able to see the people, or read their signs, because of the leaping, twirling acrobatics of Donald Rumsfield, Hilary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani, and OJ Simpson.

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